Bosses Are So Silly

I consider myself something of an expert on scams. Being a practiced liar as well as the recipient of several devious schemes (remind me to tell you about Cutco sometime...), I recognize the all too familiar sight of a racket when I see one. This has proven a pretty useful skill in the entertainment industry (pay a $20 monthly fee AND $40+ each time I submit my presskit to get a gig? No thanks, Sonicbids.com), so in a way I'm grateful for my cynicism. But it comes as a surprise to me that someone as intelligent and skilled in business as the CEO of my company doesn't recognize snake oil when he sees it. Maybe he's used to taking wild chances on things that sound absurd to the common man only to have his risk turned into big rewards. Or maybe he just hasn't been scammed enough to know any better. I tend to think it's the latter.

My boss sent me an email asking me to buy a bottle of this producted called eeFuel for our company to research. It's a fuel additive (or "reformulator" as they call it) that's supposed to give you an extra 15-20% gas mileage by unlocking your fuel's hidden potential...as though your gasoline is an X-man discovering his mutant powers for the first time. I can see the scam here and I can see where the average person who doesn't know a thing about cars or chemistry could be tricked into thinking this overpriced concoction of water and soap actually works to increase fuel efficiency. I say to my boss, "you know this is a scam, right?" She replies (as she does every time I share my insight) with "buy it anyway." I tell her that cars burn 99% of their fuel when they run...even if a substance existed which could burn that extra 1%, the cost of making it would override any savings you got from using it (unless gas was like ten bucks a gallon...which I'm sure isn't too far off). I'll give you two guesses as to what her response was, but you'll only need one.

So I buy us a bottle. But that's not enough for me. Being the good, sardonic Samaritan that I am, I set out to prove my earlier claims. It turns out that Ethos (the company who owns eeFuel and who we're looking to get in bed with) is owned by 4-E, a company who got in trouble with the Better Business Bureau, has hundreds of customer complaints against it, and who practices Multi-Level Marketing, the watermark of a scam/pyramid scheme. Not only that, but every single site who sells their product has text in red and all caps. Red and caps! Nothing says scheme like BUY OUR CRAP!! Further research reveals testimonials from people who've actually bought this stuff and claim that their car showed no significant improvement in mileage. Well whadaya know. Looks like the old scam sniffer is still working.

I relay this information to my boss (along with the note that I just bought us a bottle for $30) and all she says to me is "that scam stuff was hilarious." Yup. Getting into business with shysters and conmen is pretty funny stuff. Total classic. Especially when your receptionist (*ahem* office coordinator, thank you very much) told you it was a scam on day one. Oh, well. Don't blame me when you wake up and them carpetbaggers at Ethos have run off with your shirt, shoes, and dog.

p.s. He's in his office right now talking to a guest about how wonderful Ethos is and how driving his Escalade is like driving a hybrid now. I weep for this world. I really do.