The drummer just quit. He texted me two weeks ago saying that he'd given it a lot of thought, but he felt like he needed to leave Almost Eliot behind. I was getting off a plane and told him that we'd talk when I returned to Los Angeles. I returned his call just an hour ago and he expressed his disatisfaction with my leadership and how he felt that I (the only person who does any real work in the band) wasn't promoting us enough, getting us good enough shows, making us enough money, or recruiting us enough fans. In short, I suck and he doesn't want to waste any more of his time with a lead who sucks. He cited a few examples of his friends who came to shows and said they wouldn't come to another show specifically because they didn't like me as a performer. And he didn't do any of this in a mean, spiteful way...more like he was presenting the facts in a "sorry, but it's the truth" sort of way.
My thoughts right now aren't "what a dick" or "looks like we need to find a new drummer"...I'm just hurt. I'm hurt because I know that, on some level, he's right. I'm not a good leader. I'm not a good performer. I'm not a good musician and I'm not a good singer. I don't have any of those qualities that are needed to make a successful run at becoming a professional musician. All I have is stubborn determination which doesn't get me anywhere but failing over and over again, only to stand up with the dogged and flawed idea that somehow this next run will be different. I work day and night for this band, trying to find us shows, trying to get people to come to shows, and trying to find new opportunities for us to break out of anonymity. Yet every show we perform, the audience is neutral or completely indifferent. Any lead or opportunity to catch a break turns out to be a false trail or just some opportunist trying to take advantage of a naive band. I cry, sweat, and bleed for my music but at the end of the day, all I'm left with is frustration.
I'm starting to think that these past 3 years spent stuck in the starting blocks are all due to me. There's some imperfection, some flaw with my personality, my ability, my talent that's holding me back. Or maybe it's a complete lack of cool...an absence of that "it" factor that seperates the stars from the hopelessly ordinary. No matter how much I try, no matter how much I practice, no matter how badly I want it, everything comes down to this invisible wall that stands firmly between me and my dreams. And there is nothing I can do to overcome it.
It's times like these that I think about giving up the dream completely. When does one say enough? Where does the line between valiant persistance and foolish insistance blur? How do I know when giving up is the right thing to do? All signs all my life have pointed to one conclusion: you are not good enough. How long until I acknowledge the simple truth in those five words? How long until I admit that I'm not a lion at all?
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2 comments:
The Artist in me encourages you to keep fighting for your art.
The practical side of me then states, “That you need to find where your strengths are and use them to pursue your dreams. Your pursuits need to be in recognition of the realities of life. It will make life easier.”
The artist retorts, “Screw the practical and the easy road; keep sweating blood in the pursuit of your art.”
Practical then chimes in, “You can use that sweat blood stuff to make your art better.”
I hate it when Practical gets the last word.
I'm sorry this hurts so much, Matt, and I almost wish you could be blind to some of it, 'cause being aware can only make it harder. There's truth here, but I think your perspective is trapping you in something of a false dichotomy.
I don't really have a read on where you're at emotionally (a blog can only tell you so much), and I'd hate to start throwing things out there that would rub salt in any wounds. I do have some (possibly really obvious) insights and (likely totally unwelcome) thoughts about things you could do. Some of it's even really optimistic. If you're up for hearing any of it, let me know.
Either way, I'm thinking of you and I hope it gets better.
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