The Worst I Can Do is Survive

There's a lot inside my heart right now. This is one of those days where it physically hurts as it pounds in my chest. You know, it only does that when I truly feel alone in the world. Like I invest all this time and effort into meeting people and remembering names and dressing up real nice, volunteering my time and talent and making every effort to be part of a community...and on a day like this where I really just need someone to sit beside, I'm alone. I stand in the lobby and watch everyone partner up, chatting about nonsense as I stand beside the palm tree and wish for a simple hello. What does a guy have to do for a little attention? What's does it cost to be noticed?

There are those moments when God tells you to do something - when His voice is very clear. And if you still needed proof, you need look no further than the opposition; the devil in your other ear whispering something to the contrary. Tonight was like that. Very clearly, God was telling me that I should go to the Mayan - to our church service. On the opposite end, there was the strong urge not to...to just let it slide today. But being a good Christian boy, I went tonight which was quite a step. It's been a real ick day. Someone I'm still in love with sent me a picture of her holding hands, an engagement ring on her finger. That's a fine way to start your day. I could have really used some company...some encouragement. Some "it's okay, things aren't that bad". What I got was quite the opposite. I just feel like I've invested so much in building relationships with people and when I need just a little return on that investment, I find that everyone else is pre-occupied with their own interesting lives to say anything at all to me.

So what was the point of going at all tonight? Was there something I missed? In the service, they talked about that person who sees and encourages the potential in you. Someone else illustrated the fact that we are to be risking our very lives and well-beings for something meaningful. A third person spoke of how God is not far from our pain. All words that I heard and take to heart...but where is anyone who sees potential in me? Where is someone who sees me for more than an immature dreamer with big ideas and little talent? My life, my dreams, my passion are all about risk. Nothing I can do well can be done without risk. There is no peace, no safety for me. So where is the God who can speak peace over the waves that roll over me and why did he ask me to come tonight? To highlight my misery? To showcase my complete lack of meaningful relationships?

More and more I'm convinced that music is my curse; that in order for my art to have any merit, it must come from a place of deep-seated pain. If this well were ever to run dry, it would leave me without inspiration or a voice to speak hope into the lives of others. So to keep me fresh, God is constantly wrecking my heart with unending loneliness. This is the same God who is for me so that all may be against me. He is peace like a typhoon. Maybe that's why he had me come tonight.

Sometimes I look at my life and wish I could have been someone else. I wish that I could have been a doctor or an architect or a graphic designer somewhere small, safe, and stable. That I, at 27 years old, would have a wife and the beginnings of a family. A steady job. A predictable social life, neighbors, friends, and family nearby. Thanksgivings at home. A place where I belong. Instead what have I got? A crumby apartment, a job I hate, and dreams too big for anyone to ever achieve on their own. A lonely life of microwave dinners, late night gigs, and a roomful of people who forget you as soon as you step off the stage. There is no way to normal for me. I keep trying to come to grips with this fact, but that very human part of me that needs to find home can't reconcile the lonely life that I've been called and walked willingly into.

Is it me? Or is the the painful reality of life? That no one ever finds where they belong...does anyone ever find home?