preface: Here's a short story I wrote to sort of set the tone for a book I'm laying the ground-work to start writing. Most likely, this story won't find its way into the novel...its main purpose was to organize my thoughts (from a jumbled bunch of sentences scribbled on the notepad by my bed at 3am) and sort of dip my feet in the water of this idea. So without further introduction, here's what I came up with...
On the day of his thirteenth birthday, Marley’s parents sent him to the center of town to ask The Machine a question. Despite the fact that he had spent most of the night pondering his question, far too excited for sleep, the boy was full of energy and trepidation. He had been anticipating this particular day since his last birthday, for it was at age thirteen that boys became men, abandoning the irresponsible bliss of childhood to assume the weighty mantle of maturity. Though he might look back on his childhood fondly within a few short years, Marley, like most children, was eager to become an adult due to some misconception on the luxuries of growing older. Yet even as young as fifteen, those who had once been so ready to grow up began realizing their position as prisoners of forward moving time. And in that moment, they would long to take even one step backwards to revisit or revise the past. Marley had heard advice from adults time and time again. “Enjoy your childhood,” they had said. “These are the best days of your life.” Even though every adult he’d ever spoken to had offered such guidance, these requests were something Marley, like every other child in the world, had no intention of honoring.
While he was excited to embrace the shackles of maturity, Marley was concerned. On this day, like every child who came of age, he was permitted to go to the town square and ask The Machine one question to which it would provide a truthful answer. He hadn’t given much thought towards his question until the night before his birthday when the incredible significance of the occasion dawned on him. He was expected to begin a life of his own; to stand on his feet as a man and make a way for himself. A flood of questions filled his mind. What would he do to earn money? Who would he marry? Where would he live? Suddenly, the glamour of turning thirteen lost its allure as the cold water of reality doused any lingering magic the occasion held.
As he lay in bed the night before his thirteenth birthday, Marley thought of a question that would condense all the concerns he was experiencing into a single, concise inquiry. He had felt satisfied, arriving at a conclusive query for The Machine, one whose answer could alleviate all his looming fears and doubts about the onset of manhood. Yet as he left his parents house that morning, question in mind, worry began to assail him once more. This time, his concern was not over the question he would ask, but rather the answer he would receive. For some answers were hard to hear either for profound and painful truth or the ambush of an unexpected answer. Some answers led to further questions and Marley only had the one to spare. What if The Machine offered such an answer? What if the answer was too much to handle? Again, the shallow tide of his confidence began to recede as Marley walked down the cobblestone streets towards the town square.
For as long as anyone could remember, the gaudy golden mess of cogs, gears, and fly wheels had stood in the middle of the city, gazing out at the world through a singular black glass orb set in the center of its frame. It never stirred, never blinked, never turned a wheel or whistled. To an outsider, it could have been a monument to some forgotten achievement or a strange piece of art. To the people of Winrey, it was a lifeline. They called it the Answering Machine or just The Machine for short and for countless generations, it had given perfect and flawless direction to those in need of guidance. Truth be known, the town’s leaders had grown complacent and lazy, relying on The Machine to give them answers in times of need. As a result, Winrey was a burgeoning and thriving metropolis with a strong economy and little crime. This was of course due to the guidance offered by The Machine rather than sound leadership but such trivialities mattered little to Winrey’s citizens or politicians.
The center of town was crowded with businessmen, merchants, and common people milling about. People discussed the affairs of the day, gossiping about local celebrities, recanting plays they had just seen, or postulating passionately about the war. There always seemed to be a war occurring somewhere in the world and Ogima, the nation of which Winrey was a part, was always a participant in some form or fashion. People in Ogima discussed war with a displaced passion; a concern for affairs which they knew affected them on some level, but seemed too distant to really matter. Besides, war had become such a commonplace occurrence that the general populace had grown numb to its impact. As far as everyone was concerned, there would always be fighting. It was as inevitable as bumping into others as one walked down the street in the crowded center of Winrey.
At the end of a street with no name there stood The Machine, ugly and asymmetrical with exposed gears and gaudy ornamentation. Yet as eye-catchingly absurd as it was at first glance, there was something improper and otherworldly about the Answering Machine, as though it belonged to another age or another place in reality. And even as it stood motionless behind a short iron fence, surrounded by the greenery of a park, there was something…organic about it; something conscious. Perhaps it was due to the populace’s long tradition of personifying The Machine as a spiritual being, but as Marley approached the golden gears, he could swear it was watching his every step.
For a few moments, Marley stood at face level with the deep black orb in the center of The Machine’s façade. He had watched as others made their inquiries. He’d heard their questions and seen The Machine’s answers. Their questions were always self-centered and purposeless…what job should I take? Who should I marry? Should I grow grapes or tomatoes this year? The Machine would always answer briefly but truthfully. Blacksmith. Abigail. Grapes. Marley thought about his question once again, repeating it for the hundredth time in his head that day. It seemed so similar now to the questions others had asked before. Even in the context of the profound significance this machine offered to the people around it, all they ever concerned themselves with were questions they could usually answer on their own. Was he no better? Marley glanced over his shoulder to see a small crowd gathering. People were always curious as to what others would ask and when someone his age asked their first question of The Machine, it was a moment of particularly interesting note. Turning back to The Answering Machine, a new question formed in his head. Without thinking, he let the words escape his lips. “Why are you here?”
There were whispers from the crowd as The Machine sat silent for a few moments, Marley’s question still hanging in the air. The whispers turned louder and their notes of quiet wondering turned to strains of great concern as The Machine remained unresponsive. Normally, it answered almost as soon as the question had departed the inquisitor’s lips. Did it have no answer this time? Had Marley asked a question which The Machine was incapable of answering? The worried murmuring of the crowd was suddenly silenced by a chime from The Machine…two haunting notes pierced the air. It had never made such a sound before. White letters rose from the inky blackness of the orb set in the center of the device and Marley leaned in to read them. What met his eyes in the orb was not the answer he had expected. Instead, for the first time in history, his question had been met with another question. “Why am I here?” The Answering Machine asked.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Monday, July 6, 2009
Nothing Left to Lose
The drummer just quit. He texted me two weeks ago saying that he'd given it a lot of thought, but he felt like he needed to leave Almost Eliot behind. I was getting off a plane and told him that we'd talk when I returned to Los Angeles. I returned his call just an hour ago and he expressed his disatisfaction with my leadership and how he felt that I (the only person who does any real work in the band) wasn't promoting us enough, getting us good enough shows, making us enough money, or recruiting us enough fans. In short, I suck and he doesn't want to waste any more of his time with a lead who sucks. He cited a few examples of his friends who came to shows and said they wouldn't come to another show specifically because they didn't like me as a performer. And he didn't do any of this in a mean, spiteful way...more like he was presenting the facts in a "sorry, but it's the truth" sort of way.
My thoughts right now aren't "what a dick" or "looks like we need to find a new drummer"...I'm just hurt. I'm hurt because I know that, on some level, he's right. I'm not a good leader. I'm not a good performer. I'm not a good musician and I'm not a good singer. I don't have any of those qualities that are needed to make a successful run at becoming a professional musician. All I have is stubborn determination which doesn't get me anywhere but failing over and over again, only to stand up with the dogged and flawed idea that somehow this next run will be different. I work day and night for this band, trying to find us shows, trying to get people to come to shows, and trying to find new opportunities for us to break out of anonymity. Yet every show we perform, the audience is neutral or completely indifferent. Any lead or opportunity to catch a break turns out to be a false trail or just some opportunist trying to take advantage of a naive band. I cry, sweat, and bleed for my music but at the end of the day, all I'm left with is frustration.
I'm starting to think that these past 3 years spent stuck in the starting blocks are all due to me. There's some imperfection, some flaw with my personality, my ability, my talent that's holding me back. Or maybe it's a complete lack of cool...an absence of that "it" factor that seperates the stars from the hopelessly ordinary. No matter how much I try, no matter how much I practice, no matter how badly I want it, everything comes down to this invisible wall that stands firmly between me and my dreams. And there is nothing I can do to overcome it.
It's times like these that I think about giving up the dream completely. When does one say enough? Where does the line between valiant persistance and foolish insistance blur? How do I know when giving up is the right thing to do? All signs all my life have pointed to one conclusion: you are not good enough. How long until I acknowledge the simple truth in those five words? How long until I admit that I'm not a lion at all?
My thoughts right now aren't "what a dick" or "looks like we need to find a new drummer"...I'm just hurt. I'm hurt because I know that, on some level, he's right. I'm not a good leader. I'm not a good performer. I'm not a good musician and I'm not a good singer. I don't have any of those qualities that are needed to make a successful run at becoming a professional musician. All I have is stubborn determination which doesn't get me anywhere but failing over and over again, only to stand up with the dogged and flawed idea that somehow this next run will be different. I work day and night for this band, trying to find us shows, trying to get people to come to shows, and trying to find new opportunities for us to break out of anonymity. Yet every show we perform, the audience is neutral or completely indifferent. Any lead or opportunity to catch a break turns out to be a false trail or just some opportunist trying to take advantage of a naive band. I cry, sweat, and bleed for my music but at the end of the day, all I'm left with is frustration.
I'm starting to think that these past 3 years spent stuck in the starting blocks are all due to me. There's some imperfection, some flaw with my personality, my ability, my talent that's holding me back. Or maybe it's a complete lack of cool...an absence of that "it" factor that seperates the stars from the hopelessly ordinary. No matter how much I try, no matter how much I practice, no matter how badly I want it, everything comes down to this invisible wall that stands firmly between me and my dreams. And there is nothing I can do to overcome it.
It's times like these that I think about giving up the dream completely. When does one say enough? Where does the line between valiant persistance and foolish insistance blur? How do I know when giving up is the right thing to do? All signs all my life have pointed to one conclusion: you are not good enough. How long until I acknowledge the simple truth in those five words? How long until I admit that I'm not a lion at all?
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Leaps and Boundaries
I found an email in my inbox this past Monday from a marketing company based out of Chicago called Platform-One Entertainment. Normally, I delete emails like this (especially those in my personal inbox regarding band stuff) unless it's someone I know because more often than not, it's just some creeps trying to take advantage of all the naive dreamers out there. But I actually recognized the name of this company (they do marketing for some pretty big names out there, like John Mayer and Kings of Leon), so I thought what the heck and read their spiel. Turns out they listened to us on MySpace, loved the music, and wanted to take us on this summer. I emailed them back saying that I was interested in learning more about the opportunity.
After a few calls, I got the skinny; they would market us in the mid-west, passing out CD compilations (with one of our tracks on it) at various music festivals (Bonaroo, Vans Warped Tour, etc.), get us played on radio stations in the mid-west, do some online promoting and distribution, and generally get us some really great exposure. I, for one, was really excited about this, especially considering that they only take on 12 bands per quarter. Then we started talking cost. For all their services, Platform-One was going to charge us $4000 for the summer months...we negotiated a bit and they went down to $3000. Unfortunately, that's $3000 more than we can afford, especially with the album coming out and the need for $1000 (which we also don't have) to press and print copies. Plus, it doesn't make much sense for us to promote the heck out of the mid-west when we live and operate out of Southern California. No one from Ohio is going to drive a thousand miles to see us play at the House of Blues no matter how much they like us. Ultimately, we decided that Platform-One wasn't for us. At least not now. Bummer.
In all the deliberation about Platform-One, however, I came to the decision that it costs just as much to produce and promote a 5 song EP as it does a full-length, 10 song album...so why not go for broke? Besides, we can sell an album for $12 or so whereas we can only sell an EP for around $5, so it makes more financial sense to do more. This would all be well and good if the guy mixing our CD was faster. In the past 3 months, he's handed us back 3 mixes...maybe I don't know a whole lot about the mixing process, but that seems really, really slow. Don't get me wrong - he's incredible. The dude has a Grammy under his belt for mixing/mastering. But the terms of his contract with us seem to be a bit unreasonable, not to mention the time issue. If we're going to produce a 10 song album by August/September, then we really need to get crackin'.
Fortunately, I go to a church full of artists, musicians, and industry folk and I know more than a few recording engineers. A friend of mine sent me some estimates regarding how much it would cost per song for him (or really anyone - his rates are pretty standard) to mix our songs and the cost for a really great mix hovers around $250-$500 per song...so with a 10 song album, we're looking at a budget of around $3000 plus the thousand I mentioned earlier for printing. Seems that $4000 is the magic number these days.
As many of you know, I lost my job back in April because of the poor economy. I saw this as an open door to spend all my time focusing on music, which I've been doing. So needless to say, I barely have the money to pay rent, let alone shoulder the entire 4k burden of the album. The others in my band are no better off, so splitting the cost isn't an option either. This album has been a long time coming and will open so many doors for us...it's a shame to stop moving forward because of something as transient as money. I've asked God to provide the financial means for us to keep going if this is His will because I don't have the ability to take this any further on my own steam. Maybe I'm intended to get a line of credit and take a leap of faith? In any case, I'm moving forward because it's all I know to do. I'm walking towards the edge and trusting that there's a bridge I don't see...or that the fall won't kill me.
After a few calls, I got the skinny; they would market us in the mid-west, passing out CD compilations (with one of our tracks on it) at various music festivals (Bonaroo, Vans Warped Tour, etc.), get us played on radio stations in the mid-west, do some online promoting and distribution, and generally get us some really great exposure. I, for one, was really excited about this, especially considering that they only take on 12 bands per quarter. Then we started talking cost. For all their services, Platform-One was going to charge us $4000 for the summer months...we negotiated a bit and they went down to $3000. Unfortunately, that's $3000 more than we can afford, especially with the album coming out and the need for $1000 (which we also don't have) to press and print copies. Plus, it doesn't make much sense for us to promote the heck out of the mid-west when we live and operate out of Southern California. No one from Ohio is going to drive a thousand miles to see us play at the House of Blues no matter how much they like us. Ultimately, we decided that Platform-One wasn't for us. At least not now. Bummer.
In all the deliberation about Platform-One, however, I came to the decision that it costs just as much to produce and promote a 5 song EP as it does a full-length, 10 song album...so why not go for broke? Besides, we can sell an album for $12 or so whereas we can only sell an EP for around $5, so it makes more financial sense to do more. This would all be well and good if the guy mixing our CD was faster. In the past 3 months, he's handed us back 3 mixes...maybe I don't know a whole lot about the mixing process, but that seems really, really slow. Don't get me wrong - he's incredible. The dude has a Grammy under his belt for mixing/mastering. But the terms of his contract with us seem to be a bit unreasonable, not to mention the time issue. If we're going to produce a 10 song album by August/September, then we really need to get crackin'.
Fortunately, I go to a church full of artists, musicians, and industry folk and I know more than a few recording engineers. A friend of mine sent me some estimates regarding how much it would cost per song for him (or really anyone - his rates are pretty standard) to mix our songs and the cost for a really great mix hovers around $250-$500 per song...so with a 10 song album, we're looking at a budget of around $3000 plus the thousand I mentioned earlier for printing. Seems that $4000 is the magic number these days.
As many of you know, I lost my job back in April because of the poor economy. I saw this as an open door to spend all my time focusing on music, which I've been doing. So needless to say, I barely have the money to pay rent, let alone shoulder the entire 4k burden of the album. The others in my band are no better off, so splitting the cost isn't an option either. This album has been a long time coming and will open so many doors for us...it's a shame to stop moving forward because of something as transient as money. I've asked God to provide the financial means for us to keep going if this is His will because I don't have the ability to take this any further on my own steam. Maybe I'm intended to get a line of credit and take a leap of faith? In any case, I'm moving forward because it's all I know to do. I'm walking towards the edge and trusting that there's a bridge I don't see...or that the fall won't kill me.
Monday, May 18, 2009
In the Meantime
I just wanted to share some songs I wrote this past week. It's a far cry from the "one-a-day" I want to get up to, but two songs in a week ain't bad.
The first one is called Natural History. I always debate whether or not I should share what a song is about because people connect to a certain phrase or thought in the song and, to them, the song is about that. So I hate to come along and be like, "well, it's actually about this" because I think that any song can mean anything to anyone. I'm very post-modern in that aspect of my art. So I'll just share what the song means to me and what my thoughts were when I wrote it.
Ever since I lost my job and have decided to pursue music full-time, I feel like my safety net's been taken away. I feel like I've followed God's calling and his voice for so long and it's finally led me to the edge of a grand canyon and now he's saying "go on ahead." I'm afraid to go forward, but I certainly can't stand still.
Natural History
Eyes like frames
never capturing in full
the arrangement of shapes;
the lines on a page,
the rise and decline
of a landscape.
Oh, to see the edge...
to hear the "go on ahead"
It's more than I
can bare to bystand.
Courting fate
and the stories that she tells
of the broken and the great...
they're the same.
They're both the same.
Oh, my heart is fed
with every prophet who's said
"the end is nigh"
So my next kiss is goodbye.
Oh, to see the edge...
to blindly go where I'm led
and break like rain
to find my way.
The second song is one that I wrote a few days ago. It started with booking a rehearsal with the band and not really having anything we needed to go over. Even if we don't have much to practice though, it's important to meet regularly so we stay sharp, familiar with each other, and keep the band in the forefront of our thoughts. At least that's how it is for me. So instead of bringing any new material to the table, I thought we could write some new stuff as a group. Co-writing is a process I enjoy, though it's rare for me to find someone I can write freely with. We've never written anything as a band, so I wanted to start with some random ideas I have recorded on my little digital recorder. We listened to a few that stuck out, tried some things and eventually ended up with this song (sans lyrics and melody - I added those later).
When we first started out, I told everyone I wanted to go for a more modern, bass-driven, atmospheric guitars, indie sound. Richard (our bass player) said we shouldn't go that route since that's what everyone else is doing. We should "stick with the funk" (ala "Leave it to Me") because that's something not many others are doing right now. While I agree that the atmospheric indie sound is a bit overdone by every band out there, I like it! And it doesn't hurt to do something that's popular...at least then maybe more than 2 people (both girlfriends) will come to our shows.
Anyway, I really like this song because it's kind of a fusion between what I wanted to do and what Richard thought was a better idea. It's called Shine on Me and I like to think it could be used as both a song for Almost Eliot and possibly as a worship song (though there are probably too many words for that...) It's almost certain to undergo some lyrical reworking. But here's the song in it's unrefined state:
Shine on Me
The night is a song
and tonight I'm watching the prelude
color the horizon a new shade of gold
as the day flickers and fades.
You shook me awakefrom asleep.
You lit me a fire and taught me to burn.
The ground cannot keep me.
My skin can't hold me in.
Sh-sh-sh-shine on me
like the daylight.
You're bringing the sunrise with every word.
You sing with a smile
and the song in my heart must sing
sh-sh-sh-shine on me.
I'm cut to the quick to the core.
Your beauty is blinding
and yet I can see a new shade of gold
in the heat, the heat of your love, love, love.
Sh-sh-sh-shine on me
like the daylight.
You're bringing the sunrise with every word
f-f-f-frozen in time,
in the moment.
I'm caught like a photo beginning to show
you sh-sh-sh-shine on me.
(Instrumental bridge...music theory people, check out this sweet chord progression:
B F# A
B F# A
B D A B)
Sh-sh-sh-shine on me.
You're the daylight.
You're bringing the sunrise with every word
And there is nothing I need
like I need you.
You bring out the beauty deep in me.
So won't you shine on me?
Shine, shine, shine.
Shine on.
There you go. Two new songs and part of the story behind them. I hope you enjoyed this little reveal. Check back soon because plans are in the works to link sounds with these words so you can actually hear the songs. All I need are some X-mas lights. You'll see.
The first one is called Natural History. I always debate whether or not I should share what a song is about because people connect to a certain phrase or thought in the song and, to them, the song is about that. So I hate to come along and be like, "well, it's actually about this" because I think that any song can mean anything to anyone. I'm very post-modern in that aspect of my art. So I'll just share what the song means to me and what my thoughts were when I wrote it.
Ever since I lost my job and have decided to pursue music full-time, I feel like my safety net's been taken away. I feel like I've followed God's calling and his voice for so long and it's finally led me to the edge of a grand canyon and now he's saying "go on ahead." I'm afraid to go forward, but I certainly can't stand still.
Natural History
Eyes like frames
never capturing in full
the arrangement of shapes;
the lines on a page,
the rise and decline
of a landscape.
Oh, to see the edge...
to hear the "go on ahead"
It's more than I
can bare to bystand.
Courting fate
and the stories that she tells
of the broken and the great...
they're the same.
They're both the same.
Oh, my heart is fed
with every prophet who's said
"the end is nigh"
So my next kiss is goodbye.
Oh, to see the edge...
to blindly go where I'm led
and break like rain
to find my way.
The second song is one that I wrote a few days ago. It started with booking a rehearsal with the band and not really having anything we needed to go over. Even if we don't have much to practice though, it's important to meet regularly so we stay sharp, familiar with each other, and keep the band in the forefront of our thoughts. At least that's how it is for me. So instead of bringing any new material to the table, I thought we could write some new stuff as a group. Co-writing is a process I enjoy, though it's rare for me to find someone I can write freely with. We've never written anything as a band, so I wanted to start with some random ideas I have recorded on my little digital recorder. We listened to a few that stuck out, tried some things and eventually ended up with this song (sans lyrics and melody - I added those later).
When we first started out, I told everyone I wanted to go for a more modern, bass-driven, atmospheric guitars, indie sound. Richard (our bass player) said we shouldn't go that route since that's what everyone else is doing. We should "stick with the funk" (ala "Leave it to Me") because that's something not many others are doing right now. While I agree that the atmospheric indie sound is a bit overdone by every band out there, I like it! And it doesn't hurt to do something that's popular...at least then maybe more than 2 people (both girlfriends) will come to our shows.
Anyway, I really like this song because it's kind of a fusion between what I wanted to do and what Richard thought was a better idea. It's called Shine on Me and I like to think it could be used as both a song for Almost Eliot and possibly as a worship song (though there are probably too many words for that...) It's almost certain to undergo some lyrical reworking. But here's the song in it's unrefined state:
Shine on Me
The night is a song
and tonight I'm watching the prelude
color the horizon a new shade of gold
as the day flickers and fades.
You shook me awakefrom asleep.
You lit me a fire and taught me to burn.
The ground cannot keep me.
My skin can't hold me in.
Sh-sh-sh-shine on me
like the daylight.
You're bringing the sunrise with every word.
You sing with a smile
and the song in my heart must sing
sh-sh-sh-shine on me.
I'm cut to the quick to the core.
Your beauty is blinding
and yet I can see a new shade of gold
in the heat, the heat of your love, love, love.
Sh-sh-sh-shine on me
like the daylight.
You're bringing the sunrise with every word
f-f-f-frozen in time,
in the moment.
I'm caught like a photo beginning to show
you sh-sh-sh-shine on me.
(Instrumental bridge...music theory people, check out this sweet chord progression:
B F# A
B F# A
B D A B)
Sh-sh-sh-shine on me.
You're the daylight.
You're bringing the sunrise with every word
And there is nothing I need
like I need you.
You bring out the beauty deep in me.
So won't you shine on me?
Shine, shine, shine.
Shine on.
There you go. Two new songs and part of the story behind them. I hope you enjoyed this little reveal. Check back soon because plans are in the works to link sounds with these words so you can actually hear the songs. All I need are some X-mas lights. You'll see.
Friday, May 8, 2009
It's a Great Big World After All
Apologies for the lack of update...I seem to have trouble keeping up with this thing. I've been well, I suppose. The job search isn't getting any better, but I've applied and auditioned for a few things here and there. Mostly, I'm staying busy with music and writing. Almost Eliot has played a lot of shows lately - more than we usually do and it's been great. We actually got paid for a show up in the Valley playing 90s cover songs for 3 hours. I was pretty amazed at how well we did. At the end of the set, I actually felt energized instead of drained. It got me to thinking that's the way it should be. After our set, a lady came up to us...said she worked for AEG Live. They're a booking agency out here in LA, the second largest from what I hear. She said she was really impressed with us and thought that the folks at AEG might be able to use us for some upcoming shows. We exchanged contact information and I didnt' hear anything from her for a week, so I called her up and it turns out she hadn't got around to listening to us yet, but said that she would. Typical LA.
You know that expression "it's a small world?" Well, I've been thinking lately...it's not a small world at all. It's a great big world of incredibly startling coincidences...the kind of coincidences that make you wonder about the nature of destiny and our role in it. For example, I was contacted a few weeks ago by a friend from church saying that a chick looking for a keyboard player had contacted Mosaic and he had referred her to me. I got in touch with her and it not only turns out that she and I went to Belmont at the exact same time, but had a ton of the same friends and never knew each other. Crazy, I know, but the real kicker as that the guitarist she recruited also went to Belmot at the same time as us and none of us knew each other. Another example...yesterday, I went against my better judgement to audition for a role with the "Fun and Discovery Entertainment Company". The put on kid's shows with educational bubbles, balloon animals, magic, costumed characters...the works. Not my first choice for a job, but times is tough. In the waiting area, I met these two girls...born in the same hospital as me the same year as me. The other, I was telling about this writer's group I recently joined through Mosaic and she, as it turns out, just started going to Mosaic after moving to the states 3 weeks ago.
I took the Strengths Finder test on Wednesday and one of my top 5 was Connectedness. The definition of Connectedness, according to the test is "People who are especially talented in the Connectedness theme have faith in the links between all things. They believe there are few coincidences and that almost every event has a reason." So what's the meaning of all these fated meetings the past few weeks? What does it have to do with my current crisis? What do I have to do with any of these people's current crisis? Who knows...all I can do is what I do every day; roll with it. That was my top strength, you know...Adaptability: "People who are especially talented in the Adaptability theme prefer to "go with the flow." They tend to be "now" people who take things as they come and discover the future one day at a time."
You know that expression "it's a small world?" Well, I've been thinking lately...it's not a small world at all. It's a great big world of incredibly startling coincidences...the kind of coincidences that make you wonder about the nature of destiny and our role in it. For example, I was contacted a few weeks ago by a friend from church saying that a chick looking for a keyboard player had contacted Mosaic and he had referred her to me. I got in touch with her and it not only turns out that she and I went to Belmont at the exact same time, but had a ton of the same friends and never knew each other. Crazy, I know, but the real kicker as that the guitarist she recruited also went to Belmot at the same time as us and none of us knew each other. Another example...yesterday, I went against my better judgement to audition for a role with the "Fun and Discovery Entertainment Company". The put on kid's shows with educational bubbles, balloon animals, magic, costumed characters...the works. Not my first choice for a job, but times is tough. In the waiting area, I met these two girls...born in the same hospital as me the same year as me. The other, I was telling about this writer's group I recently joined through Mosaic and she, as it turns out, just started going to Mosaic after moving to the states 3 weeks ago.
I took the Strengths Finder test on Wednesday and one of my top 5 was Connectedness. The definition of Connectedness, according to the test is "People who are especially talented in the Connectedness theme have faith in the links between all things. They believe there are few coincidences and that almost every event has a reason." So what's the meaning of all these fated meetings the past few weeks? What does it have to do with my current crisis? What do I have to do with any of these people's current crisis? Who knows...all I can do is what I do every day; roll with it. That was my top strength, you know...Adaptability: "People who are especially talented in the Adaptability theme prefer to "go with the flow." They tend to be "now" people who take things as they come and discover the future one day at a time."
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Tiny Miracles
I went up to Griffith Observatory tonight for the first time since I moved to Los Angeles. It's one of those things that every local and tourist does at some point during their stay here. I just happen to be more of a late bloomer than others. We drove and walked uphill among the throng of people out doing one of the few cool things you can do for free on a Saturday night, past the creepy obelisk with seven faces they have planted on the lawn (seriously, what's up with that thing? It looks like it belongs on LOST or something...) and into the museum/observatory.
Astronomy, space, and quantum physics absolutely fascinate me...probably due to my love of science fiction. There's something so moving about the enormity of the Universe and the grand clockwork which drives our reality that speaks to something deep in my soul. I read about the planets, the stars, space exploration, and the intricacies of the Universe whenever I can, taking in as much knowledge as my under educated, math-poor brain can understand. So I'm no expert by any stretch, but I know a fair share about the science. The observatory's exhibits didn't hold any surprises for me (in fact, I was able to elaborate in greater detail about some of the displays...it really warmed the cockles of my heart when the person I was with asked "what kinds of things do you know?!"), but it really was a very cool place.
Sometimes you can tell when a person at a museum has no idea what they're looking at and instead of trying to learn something new, they retreat into the simpler things around them. I have to laugh at this human tendency...not out of any misplaced academic snobbery, but because it's genuinely funny when a brilliant daughter and aged mother are standing in front of a timeline of the Universe decorated with various jewelry and knick-knacks collected by a donator. The daughter says "there are countless galaxies just like ours in the Universe, which is expanding ever outward into infinity. Isn't that amazing? That reality is expanding outward to fill nothingness?" Her mother pauses and responds, "boy, she sure did have a lot of jewelry!"
The best part of the night was the planetarium...where they project the stars onto the blank canvas of the domed ceiling. You lay back in your chair and listen as the narrator talks about the history of astronomy, the architecture of the Universe, and the myriad of mysteries that mankind has yet to plumb the full depths of. The moment the stars struck the dome, a knot welled in my throat and I found that I am moved to tears at the majesty and beauty of the Universe in which we dwell. It is so incomprehensibly vast and we are so, so small. The Universe is so old...aged billions upon billions of years with the advent of life on a tiny ball of silica and water in the far corner of a backwater galaxy a mere blink in the eye of eternity. All our accomplishments, our hopes, our fears, our dreams, our love, our discoveries...all that it means to exist as a human is nothing when compared to the infinite greatness of the emptiness that surrounds our fragile speck of a world.
I am overwhelmed with emotion at the thought of the billions of other galaxies, just like ours, free-falling through the Universe. And it is not for the thought of nihilism or the prospect of being alone in the cosmos...I am overwhelmed at the evidence of how powerful, how majestic, how utterly awesome the designer who bestowed order upon the Universe is. To think that all the matter that will ever exist was compressed into a space the size of a particle and, for whatever reason, was spoken with a bang into glorious, ordered existence is absolutely mind-blowing. Hard science will tell you that any theory, any faith which cannot be tested is invalid. But the sense of wonder when you look into the eye of Heaven...the gut-wrenching sensation of amazement at the thought of eternity...the tiny miracles represented by each and every life around you will tell you that there is more to the Universe than the strictures of science.
As of the time of this posting, it's Easter (strictly speaking). This is a time of year when we remember that a man from Galilee was born, heralded by angels and a star shining brightly over the place of his birth. He walked among us, claimed to be God, worked miracles, rocked the established order of religious thought and was crucified by the Romans. Three days later, on this date, he proved his claim true by rising from the dead and breaking the power of sin and death. The architect of the infinite knew us. Knew me. Knew my struggles and pain. Knew my soul's need for a connection to the divine. Knew my heart's need for healing. And he came for me. He came to a tiny planet orbiting a small sun on the far corner of a backwater galaxy. To save me. To save us all.
Astronomy, space, and quantum physics absolutely fascinate me...probably due to my love of science fiction. There's something so moving about the enormity of the Universe and the grand clockwork which drives our reality that speaks to something deep in my soul. I read about the planets, the stars, space exploration, and the intricacies of the Universe whenever I can, taking in as much knowledge as my under educated, math-poor brain can understand. So I'm no expert by any stretch, but I know a fair share about the science. The observatory's exhibits didn't hold any surprises for me (in fact, I was able to elaborate in greater detail about some of the displays...it really warmed the cockles of my heart when the person I was with asked "what kinds of things do you know?!"), but it really was a very cool place.
Sometimes you can tell when a person at a museum has no idea what they're looking at and instead of trying to learn something new, they retreat into the simpler things around them. I have to laugh at this human tendency...not out of any misplaced academic snobbery, but because it's genuinely funny when a brilliant daughter and aged mother are standing in front of a timeline of the Universe decorated with various jewelry and knick-knacks collected by a donator. The daughter says "there are countless galaxies just like ours in the Universe, which is expanding ever outward into infinity. Isn't that amazing? That reality is expanding outward to fill nothingness?" Her mother pauses and responds, "boy, she sure did have a lot of jewelry!"
The best part of the night was the planetarium...where they project the stars onto the blank canvas of the domed ceiling. You lay back in your chair and listen as the narrator talks about the history of astronomy, the architecture of the Universe, and the myriad of mysteries that mankind has yet to plumb the full depths of. The moment the stars struck the dome, a knot welled in my throat and I found that I am moved to tears at the majesty and beauty of the Universe in which we dwell. It is so incomprehensibly vast and we are so, so small. The Universe is so old...aged billions upon billions of years with the advent of life on a tiny ball of silica and water in the far corner of a backwater galaxy a mere blink in the eye of eternity. All our accomplishments, our hopes, our fears, our dreams, our love, our discoveries...all that it means to exist as a human is nothing when compared to the infinite greatness of the emptiness that surrounds our fragile speck of a world.
I am overwhelmed with emotion at the thought of the billions of other galaxies, just like ours, free-falling through the Universe. And it is not for the thought of nihilism or the prospect of being alone in the cosmos...I am overwhelmed at the evidence of how powerful, how majestic, how utterly awesome the designer who bestowed order upon the Universe is. To think that all the matter that will ever exist was compressed into a space the size of a particle and, for whatever reason, was spoken with a bang into glorious, ordered existence is absolutely mind-blowing. Hard science will tell you that any theory, any faith which cannot be tested is invalid. But the sense of wonder when you look into the eye of Heaven...the gut-wrenching sensation of amazement at the thought of eternity...the tiny miracles represented by each and every life around you will tell you that there is more to the Universe than the strictures of science.
As of the time of this posting, it's Easter (strictly speaking). This is a time of year when we remember that a man from Galilee was born, heralded by angels and a star shining brightly over the place of his birth. He walked among us, claimed to be God, worked miracles, rocked the established order of religious thought and was crucified by the Romans. Three days later, on this date, he proved his claim true by rising from the dead and breaking the power of sin and death. The architect of the infinite knew us. Knew me. Knew my struggles and pain. Knew my soul's need for a connection to the divine. Knew my heart's need for healing. And he came for me. He came to a tiny planet orbiting a small sun on the far corner of a backwater galaxy. To save me. To save us all.
Friday, April 3, 2009
Spring Cleaning
I lost my job last Friday. My company, Leonie shut down the Hollywood Office that day and I've been out of work ever since. I saw the signs - they moved my supervisor out of the office and into Corporate, changing her job title and responsibilities...she was sort of the glue that held the office together and gave some merit for our existence (since the owner who works out of our office is never even in the country, let alone the office). I intercepted a fax requesting the building owners change the name on the sign outside our office and that's when I knew we were finished. Sure enough, a few days later the lead accountant shows up informing me that they're shutting down my office and that I have 3 days to pack up. So I'm officially jobless now. I did something desperate...something most people I know are gonna hate - I filed for unemployment. I don't plan on staying on it forever, but the money they're sending me is going to be an immense help. Leonie gave me a severance (3 weeks pay). That plus my tax refund and unemployment should keep me afloat for a few months as long as I'm careful not to rock the boat with any unneccessary spending.
There are so few jobs out there right now - all the office administration type jobs that I could get have either been elminated and assimilated into other people's jobs or they barely pay minimum wage. I've been thinking a lot these days...and I've come to the conclusion that I've been so secure in my regular paycheck and safety net of a full-time job that I haven't had the time nor the gumption to really do anything with my talent. I've been fat and happy, content to rest on my laurels even if something inside me is longing for something more. I honestly see this turn of events as God kicking me out of the nest, so to speak. It's fly or fall at this point - do or die. Maybe that's what it's going to take to see me actually use my gifts to do something extraordinary. Maybe the fear of utter and complete failure can overcome my bizarre fear of success. I know one thing's for certain - I don't want another job. I don't want handouts from the government either. I want to find my niche - my place in the world. I want to use my talent for music and writing and creativity to build something that speaks to people. I want to become who I was meant to be.
So things are pretty scary right now. But they're also exciting...I feel like the world just opened up to me; like I can do anything now. I've been spending my time this past week cleaning house, organizing my life and thoughts...I like to think of it as spring cleaning; a fresh start. I'm going to be writing more. I've been wanting to write a novel for some time now...that or at least try to get one of my games published. I'm going to be performing out a lot more, either with the band or as a solo artist. It's high time I do something with myself. Maybe in 5 years time, I'll look back and realize that losing my job at Leonie was the best thing that ever happened to me. That or I'll look up from the gutter and wonder what went wrong. ;)
There are so few jobs out there right now - all the office administration type jobs that I could get have either been elminated and assimilated into other people's jobs or they barely pay minimum wage. I've been thinking a lot these days...and I've come to the conclusion that I've been so secure in my regular paycheck and safety net of a full-time job that I haven't had the time nor the gumption to really do anything with my talent. I've been fat and happy, content to rest on my laurels even if something inside me is longing for something more. I honestly see this turn of events as God kicking me out of the nest, so to speak. It's fly or fall at this point - do or die. Maybe that's what it's going to take to see me actually use my gifts to do something extraordinary. Maybe the fear of utter and complete failure can overcome my bizarre fear of success. I know one thing's for certain - I don't want another job. I don't want handouts from the government either. I want to find my niche - my place in the world. I want to use my talent for music and writing and creativity to build something that speaks to people. I want to become who I was meant to be.
So things are pretty scary right now. But they're also exciting...I feel like the world just opened up to me; like I can do anything now. I've been spending my time this past week cleaning house, organizing my life and thoughts...I like to think of it as spring cleaning; a fresh start. I'm going to be writing more. I've been wanting to write a novel for some time now...that or at least try to get one of my games published. I'm going to be performing out a lot more, either with the band or as a solo artist. It's high time I do something with myself. Maybe in 5 years time, I'll look back and realize that losing my job at Leonie was the best thing that ever happened to me. That or I'll look up from the gutter and wonder what went wrong. ;)
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